You Didn't Reject Me.
You Erased Me.

I know I came on strong. But not because I meant to pressure you. It was because I liked you. This was my first time truly feeling something like this. I didn’t know how to love, so I gave everything I had. I gave too much. I wanted you close. I wanted to protect you. I wanted you to feel safe with me because I know you’ve been hurt before. I wanted to be the one who made you smile, who made you feel special, who made you feel like you mattered.

I wasn’t even looking for love. I was chasing my goals. Girls weren’t on my radar. But you showed up, unexpected. You changed everything. It felt real, and I didn’t know how to handle it.

I gave gifts, and you also did, wrote you letters, searched for things to make you smile. I looked for hours for flowers you’d like, found a necklace from Lebanon, and brought marshmallows and your favorite chocolate when I traveled. I wasn’t trying to impress you. I just wanted to show you care, the only way I knew how.

But it wasn’t just me. Your friends started teasing you, pushing you, acting like you had to be with me. They made you feel like you owed something you hadn’t even figured out yet. And I added to that pressure, even if I didn’t mean to. We didn’t give you space to breathe. I see that now. I’m sorry. You were trying to explain your feelings to me, but I was too caught up in my own emotions to listen, and you were the shy one trying to figure it all out. I should have been more patient, more understanding.

I wasn't thinking about false hope. I didn't want you to force yourself to talk to me or avoid me just because you thought you'd be giving me the wrong idea. That wasn't the point.

But I overthink a lot, and maybe that weight became too much. I wasn’t playing games. I wasn’t going "right or left". I was genuine. I saw something serious in you. I wasn’t trying to trap you or confuse you. I just wanted to talk to you. To enjoy your presence. To be near you. To build something slowly and real because I genuinely cared.

I thought we were on the same page. But apparently, I misunderstood. apparently, I was wrong. apparently, I was just a friend to you. apparently, I was just a guy you liked to talk to. apparently, you only liked the flowers because every girl would like flowers. well you know what? I didn't once treat you like every other girl, I treated you like the most special thing in my life.

Over time, you pulled away. You talked less. You said things like, "we're still not sure." But those words didn’t match what we’d shared. It felt like you were retreating while I stood still. I started to feel like maybe you were bored. Maybe you were just passing time. And I was fooling myself. Leaving me in limbo.

You kept telling me to find someone else. To go chase the "perfect" girl. But you never understood I wasn't looking. You just happened. And suddenly, it all felt different. Real.

And I really wanted to meet to your family and know them from day one, but you never let me.

I lost myself in this. I gave so much of me my time, my presence, my dignity. And I know I shouldn't have. I know I should've held onto more of myself. Maybe that's what you were trying to teach me. Maybe that's what you wanted: for me to step back and let you breathe.

When you were upset, I gave you space. I tried to treat you gently, even like a sister maybe too much like one because I thought that's what made you feel safe. But maybe that made you see me like a brother. I got friendzoned without ever showing you my full heart.

I tried to provide everything you wanted, even a trip to the aquarium and that sushi night you loved. It's ironic you joked about that guy who took you to Florya. You just wanted to try a resturant and apparently You did the same to me.

You never saw my romantic side because every time I tried to show it, you ran. You never gave it the space to exist.

I stepped away for two months. Not because I didn’t care but because I thought I was becoming too much. And worst of all you asked Farah to tell me not to talk to you, that hurt. Deep. It made me feel like my presence was toxic. Maybe I wasn't just unwanted, but seen as a problem.

Then you asked why I disappeared. I thought maybe I was wrong. Maybe you did care. So I came back, hoping. But you grew distant again. You didn’t need to hide behind others and pretend like nothing ever happened. But you did. And the weirdest part is you thought it's "weird" that we don't talk anymore. Well, I think it's weird that this is how you chose to end things. You knew from the beginning I was serious about you and I don't intend anything less than a marrige. I was always clear about that. I never played games with you. I never lied to you. I never tried to manipulate you.

I noticed everything. The way you ended our streak and started new ones right after. The way you vanished from our conversations and pretended like we weren’t anything. Like we never were.

Then Khadija let it slip that you went out with Farah without telling me. While I was thinking of you, you were out with everyone else. I knew when I sat with you at the table and you lied to my face. And I let it happen.

Despite everything, I kept showing up for you. I tried to be the person you could lean on, even when you pushed me away. I spoke with you at the airport before takeoff and again after landing in Jordan because you were the one constant on my travels. I even made duaa for you on the plane, and I still do, not to gain anything, but simply because I wish you genuine peace, happiness, and clarity, even if we’re no longer in each other’s lives.

I still remember your favorite food كبسة من إيدين ماما. Your favorite color rose pink. The way your name lighting up on my screen made my whole day better.

Do you remember our first call? It was on your birthday. I still recall calling you right at midnight, then talking to Noura the next day before reaching out to you once more. None of them called you that day, but I did. I wanted to be the first to wish you a happy birthday. And you were so happy, I still remember how your voice sounded that day, how your laughter felt like music to my ears.

Do you remember our secret password “iLove5dodSara”?

You were my gym companion; I’d call you mid-workout even when the connection was bad, just to hear your voice.

When you first said “Ghaet,” you blushed over the call I felt it across the line.

That Medya place, the one we joked about going to.

You know? I dreamed of taking you to the UK when I traveled why I looked for that job for you: I wanted you to feel safe by my side. And that's who I always have been, I plan ahead. And not just the UK, I wanted to show you the whole world.

And that Ghibli Howl’s Moving Castle night until 6 AM.

Do you remember the way you saved Cinnabon and hot chocolate recipies for me? that was the first time I felt like you cared. remember when you wanted to share our burgers half of mine? And how we fed each other sushi next to the sea? I still remember how you looked at me that day, like I was the only person in the world.

I remember how you always touched my hands, always wanting to test a needle on them. Moving your fingers on my veins. You were the sweet nurse that I adored. I remember playing with your cheeks and how we laughed. We had our own inside jokes. We had moments that felt like ours.

I also remember when you ran away to Cappadocia and while you didn't want anyone involved you still asked Khadija to help you. That contradiction told me more than anything else ever could.

And I know now you think it's weird that I check in on you from your friends. But the truth is, I always did. I even called them before your birthday last year before I ever confessed to you just to surprise you.

And then... I tried to call you again. One last time. Just to connect. You didn't answer. You ghosted me.

But after everything after all we shared, all we built, all we hinted at you told me "we are nothing."After all that, you chose to erase me like I never mattered. That broke something inside me I didn't even know was still whole.

I didn't stop reaching out because I stopped caring. I stopped because I wasn't sure if you ever wanted to hear from me again. I didn't want to give you false hope, or worse make you feel trapped. I walked away to respect you. But I still hoped you'd one day speak up. That day never came.

I know you've been through a lot. You've been hurt and mistreated before, and maybe that's why you became emotionally unavailable.

But I never would've. And I didn't.

I stayed. I respected your space. I respected your silence, even when it killed me. I didn't push, even when I wanted answers. I cared. Deeply. Still do.

You didn't reject me. You erased me.
You had a choice. And you didn't choose me.

I had to travel, you misunderstood a lot of stuff, I miss your laugh, I miss your smile, I miss how cute you look in a scarf wrapped around your head, I was supposed to be the sıcak one but now I am here sitting wondering what happened, how did we go wrong, I didn't ever think it would go wrong in a million years.